Love

I'm doing well, spending a lot of time at the Vipassana center meditating and volunteering in the kitchen/ general maintenance. It is a challenge to stay present when I am constantly thinking about future plans (where/when I will travel, visas, people I miss, etc.) My grandparents come up a lot in my meditation and I send them peace even though I'm not physically around. The possibilities for the future are endless. Thoughts of sailing around the world, going to India, staying in NZ, Sarita, and returning to California all dance around in my head and tickle my imagination. However, we do not exist in the past or future, but only in the present moment. So with that in mind, I continue to observe my breath and remain equanimous with the ups and downs that are life.
With metta, Colby

Update

Living in the north island of new Zealand. I spent the last few weeks in the hokianga with several families. With the land family, I helped build their new house, using clay, gravel, and straw. Being involved in the process of “cobbing” has inspired me to build a house out of natural materials of my own one day. Although there is much physical labor involved in the gathering and mixing of materials and construction, it provides the opportunity to develop and strengthen community. I also spent some time with John and Gail, fencing and gardening. James (a young man from England) and I went on a canoe adventure on the Waima river. I’ve been on several other day journeys (or few days). Such as meeting Anne, who gave me a copy of A Course in Miracles, which has been an insightful and inspiring book. Mainly, I have been spending time with Sarita and her son Dominic. Her and I share an excitement and passion for life that I have not found anywhere else in the world. The company of a child is a constant reminder to stay youthful and practice patience, as well. We dream of all the places we could travel and share the joy of realizing our freedom and privilege. I am open to wherever this journey leads me!

I don't know

Since Ngatimoti, I have traveled north to the Coromandel Peninsula once again. I spent the last two weeks at a Permaculture Design Workshop where I learned all about how to live sustainably and with as little impact as possible. Permaculture is a huge topic, so we only just scratched the surface of possibilities in a two weeks. To put it simply, permaculture is about finding ways for humans and the environments to exist and benefit from one another. I made great friends, Tom and Lein, who I hope to see again. After leaving the workshop, I came to Whitianga where I am now staying at the Freedom Farm. A wonderful group of people who have come together to practice and spread peace. They are truly an embassy of peace and i feel that I have always been a supporter- an ambassador of peace. I met an amazing man named Joshua, who I had heard much about over the last few months, and am inspired just by being around him. In my journal I wrote, "Joshua: intense light, massive presence but effortlessly flowing, navigating with ease. he walked right past the ticket man at an A's game- no questions asked- and tells me that kind of thing is easy. "what's really hard," he says," is mending a broken heart. that's tricky" somewhere i'm scared of him. he reminds me "our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond belief" he reflects the part of me that is pure love, greatness, hard work, and peace. But i don't like to look at that part of me. it demands full dedication, and yet i hesitate.
then this poem:

Who am I?
I am the boy who goes into town to but chips because I like that greasy, full feeling
I am the boy who didnt eat for 10 days and eats fruits and nuts
I am the boy who is shy around great musicians who are willing to share and teach
I am the boy who sings his heart song ont he corner of a city block.
I am the boy who needs a computer with internet to feel connected
I am the boy who plays guitar around a campfire and looks into others eyes and feels connected
I am the boy who needs the jarring stimulation of a hustling, bustling city to feel
I am the boy who sits quietly in the woods and feels at home
I am the boy who shrinks in fear
I am the boy who lives in greatness

it's been a while!

so much has happened in the last few weeks, a lot of ups and downs. I travelled down the west coast of the south island with a wonderful man named Bernie. He lives in sunclubs and nudist colonies, so he and i often got naked and went swimming or dancing or just chillin in the sun- full monty... I stayed with him a few days and he drove me all the way to dunedin where i met up with marshall anderson, a friend from UPS. We celebrated St Patty's day with some college folks in Dunedin. Then I headed dwon to Ivercargill and Stuart Island where I did a week of trail work on the Rakiura Trek. Flying in helicopters and taking water taxis to and from work was really exciting and a nice reward for all the hard work we did on the trail. Three 20-year old guys picked me up while hitching to Queenstown. They invited me to join their birthday celebration and so I partied with them and stayed in a really nice hotel that night. Then I headed further north to Wanaka and along to West Coast all the way up to Golden Bay. Spent a few days in a community called Rainbow Valley. I stayed with another German traveller there with whom I had great conversations and enjoyed discussing sprituality and the universe. Then I randomly met up with some Americans I had met earlier in my travels and we ended up going to a FUll Moon Festival near Motueka. After dancing the whole night and watching the moon set and sun rise, I went to find a family that I had heard about but didn't know much about. I hitched to there house in the eveing and they welcomed me right into their family and I have been here for a week now. This place is magical. The location, the community, and the work (if you can call it work) is inspiring, fulfilling... and I can't begin to justly describe the amazingness of this place. This family is so in-tune with the environment and truly open and mindful of a greater spirit. It is such a relief to be in a place like this, I want to share it with the whole world!

Cosmosis Full Moon Music Festival!

Let my words unwind the mystery
unlock the doors
and set us free
for this is the tale of my adventures
and how i came to be
steadily flowing
not shining, but glowing
this freedom feeling
so ripe as the day breaks to morning
let rythm run deep
and into your soul it will seep
nowhere to be but here with this breath
each moment
in streams of time
bonfire illumination
diamonds in the sky
and the moon!
oh bella luna...
your snake eyes in the night
bring me high to you
rainbows around the world
lets come together and love
far and wide
deep and permeable
eternal in truth.

Island Adventures

South Island

after hitch-hiking down to the south island, i am now staying with Andrew and Melisa who grow/sell flowers and raspberries here in Blenheim. I hope to amke it down to christchurch, dunedin, and then back up to golden bay in the next month. then ill head north again for the winter- where hopefully it will be a little bit warmer! hoping to work for a permaculture workshop in may and then sit another vipassana mediation course and do some more service at the center in helensville

Goodbye Mangawhai, Kia Ora Coromandel!

As per the request of my loving and caring father, I shall provide some narrations of recent events and my current whereabouts.
I lived in a stone house. Originally built as a milking shed, it has been restored as an accommodation for visitors on this farm. It was quaint, cozy, and old-school. I read by candle light and ate local fruits and veggies. In exchange for for meals and a place to stay, I worked a few hours on the property. I scraped paint off old Kauri planks, did some planting and gardening, and built a footpath through the woods to a waterfall. Healthy, sustainable agriculture and "permaculture" will no doubt be a focus of my life. I believe that learning to function off-the-grid and support oneself through small scale farming and local community cooperation will be crucial as the food industry, politics, and world-wide ignorance become more and more out of hand. As I learn more about this way of living, I am excited to share this knowledge and lifestyle with my family and the rest of the world.
The beach wasn't far away, so sometimes we would head down to the check out the surf. I spent a few afternoons busking at local markets, and usually make enough to buy some chocolate! Kiwis are generally pretty friendly and I often strike up conversations with listeners.
As I work, sing, or just simply the stars, I wonder where I will go and what I will do in my lifetime. I feel privileged for the freedom and opportunities in my life. I am realizing that the spiritual ideal of true freedom is entirely possible and ready for anyone to experience. The only thing stopping us from being eternally happy, peaceful, and liberated is... ourselves. As fun, exciting, helpful, or pleasant as worldly activities may seem, I seek something beyond them. I feel my addictions and attachment to this world so strongly and am noticing how often they rule my life; it is difficult to work through them to maintain any kind of awareness. Even after observing hunger during a fast, my desire to over-eat and consume, consume, consume is astonishingly powerful- often overwhelming. But I always try to move forward with a positive attitude, knowing this all will change.
I am now in the Coromandel, where I will be living at a retreat center. Last night, after playing music at a cafe and jamming with some musical folks, I met up with Donna and Lee Bost. They treated me to dinner and we toured the peninsula together. It was great to see them again! Thanks Donna and Lee!

Tramping with Panache

I've left the Land's farm and headed down south to Mangawhai Heads. For the last few weeks I've stayed with a family I met at a farmer's market. Craig and Gabrielle buy/sell organics, and while I stayed there I learned a lot about the effects of what you put in your body. Eating organic, fresh food makes me feel light and full or energy- something I guess I knew, but never really made the effort to practice. I also learned about cleansing the body, through fasting and other ways of removing the physical blockages that build up in our bodies from the time we start consuming food. I spent 10 days fasting on the beach and tried a liver cleanse, too. Now I am headed back to the Vipassana center where I will serve a course. Then... who knows?!

Questions...

Intellectually, I sometimes understand that everyhting is just passing. EVERYthing is arising and passing very slowly or with great rapidity and we are relatively insignificant outiside of our own necessary and real existence. Like one raindrop, it is insignificant in the midst of a storm, but each drop is still entirely neceessary for the storm to occur at all and the water cycle to continue. It is just the scale at which you look at things- or the "lense" you look through. There is a kind of cold, harsh, callous, but honest reality with this lense- yet still completely accurate. Although I may comprehend this at some level, I certainly don't feel "awake" to this knowledge in each moment. Like Thoreau says, "I have never yet met someone who is truly awake. How could I have looked him in the face?"
I can sense that a deeper understanding of reality is possible, yet I am so often attched or distracted by sensual pleasures or other... stuff... the shit that media and culture tells us to value... so much so that I don't actually experience the world through this lense of deeper understanding. Sometimes I can use the excuse that it is easier/simpler/more comfortable/familiar to maintain these old habits of distraction and playing games with my emotions/sensations. But they are only excuses, because ultimately, these are surface remedies and there remains a deeper desire for comprehension of the world/reality at the experiential level. To know each moment that everything is arising and passing away- and that everything is going to be ok- that I am just a single part of somethig larger- and simply by being whatever I am, I am doing my part- there is no need to fret or stress- everything is as it should be- and the idea that things "should" be any certain way is merely human perception. Can we stop giving so much value to humans? It's all about humans, humans, HUMANS! The true intelligence and evolution begins when one realizes that humans are a single part of a larger system. Our very existence impacts/is the larger system. But this something larger does not necessarily have to include us, either. Currently, it does, but at some point in the past it didn't include humans and at some point in the future it may not. Why is there fear surrounding our non-existence? What would life be like if I was not afraid to not exist? I can't know now, because I cling to my life and standards of success so dearly. One day, I will no longer exist. "Exist" in a way I can know/comprehend, at least. The energy from my body will not be lost, it will simply be part of something else. But "I", this body, this mind, will no longer be. Am I afraid of this? Why? Why be afraid of something I know will happen to me?
The truth that I speak of renounces most of the things I have built my social life around/upon/ It requires no turning back, no looking back. Once that corner of the vail (Thoreau) has been lifted and it has been seen/tasted in the slightest- there is no dropping the vail or forgetting what was seen. It demands I surrender my ignorance. But isn't ignorance bliss? LIES! It is simple and deceptive-what bliss is this? I hope to truly know reality as it is, whatever it may be.

New Year

As we change into a new year, I have the opportunity to reflect and learn on the past year and also to look forward and find hope in the coming year. I find it strange that New Years Day is significant only because of the way we have decided to arrange our calendar, yet it inspires so much reflection/perspective for myself- and others based on all this talk of "new year's resolutions." Heck, any day can be the day we set a new goal for ourselves or change our lives- the passing of the imaginary digits we call "years" is just a convenient excuse...

I spent most of this last year working for the California Conservation Corp Backcountry Trails Program. Those 5 months were surely the most physically, emotionally, and spiritually demanding of my life- and I am grateful I had the opportunity to participate in and complete the season. I learned so much about what it means to be part of a community, to physically push myself to work harder everyday, and ultimately, about who I am and how I relate to the world around me. I continue to discover lessons I learned this summer that will be with me for the rest of my life.

I feel blessed that when I wasn't traveling, I could spend time with my grandparents. Their insight and perspective on life is invaluable and I cherish the jewels of wisdom they have shared with me. Whether it is playing games, working on a jigsaw puzzle, running errands, playing guitar, eating a meal, or just allowing myself to slow down and enjoy their presence, I am forever grateful for each moment we had together. I very much look forward to the next time I see them.

I also feel much appreciation for the love of my parents this last year. From the support they gave me when the CCC program was in limbo to the encouragement to travel and be true to myself- I cannot say thank you enough!

Just as important as recognizing, reflecting on, and learning from the past, is the hope for the opportunities that the future holds. As I begin the year living on the kindness and generosity of others, I surrneder myself to the realization that everything will work itself out- even if it is not exactly what I expected or planned. The wonder of traveling is that I am putting myself in situations that require me to be open and flexible becaus eI don't know exactly how things are going to end up. It is the in-your-face way or learning to live- because no one ever knows exactly how things are going to end up... So as I enter this new calendar year, and as I wake up each and every and any morning, may I be open to whatever the day may hold.

I want to try a different outlook on life- To expect nothing and take each moment as a blessing. Heaven is right here in front of us for us to enjoy- it is up to us to find the couarge to open ourselves to it and let its light shine through us to others. I beleive the wonder of life is our ability to make it what we want it to be. I recognize the privelidge I have to chose to travel or go to school or eat enough food, but the essential fact remains- we all have choice in how we respond in any situation. Our ability to respond may be limited to the midset with which we live in the world, but that is a powerful choice.

Making the decision to live with a new mindset is difficult. It forces us to evaluate our entire lives and confront the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves. I often wonder why I see people do things that make them miserable? Why do we continually run back to habits that don't help us? Why do we cling onto these habits that harm us? How do we let go of these attachments? What would it mean to let go? What are we afraid of? What am I afraid of?

Christmas with the Lands and a Rainbow Gathering

Christmas with the Lands was one of my most memorable holidays- at home or abroad. The sheer number of people that showed up and the traditional festivities were unbelievable. First of all, I thought my mom's family gatherings were big- usually several/dozen uncles and aunts and cousins and a few freinds. But the Land's holiday gatherings bring a whole new meaning to BIG. Most of Peter Land's (grandad) 9 children shwoed up. Most of the 9 children have several children of their own, as well. And even some of those children have kids, too. And that's just family! Then there are all the family friends ans random guets that have somehow heard about the event from somewhere over the years. And freinds bring their friends and cousins brings their freinds what seems like most of the local village stopped by for a little while. and there are miscellaneous people like me- a tourist who met the family while hitch-hike racing! And yet, no matter how/why you were at the celebration, everyone was warmly welcomed and wonderfully fed. We ate a traditional meal called "hangi" - which is meat/potatoes/ cumara/ taro root wrapped in banana leaves steamed in a pit in the ground for a few hours. The meal takes days of preparation to kill/clean the animals to be cooked.

While the meal is cooking, the most unusual and awesome (and my favorite!) tradition takes place. All the males play a giant game of rugby/soccer/football- where the only rule is there are no rules! To score, you must get the ball in the opponents goal- two sticks in the ground- by whatever means possible. Running, throwing, kicking, tackilng (whether or not you have the ball) is all permitted. It is thoroughly exhausting, to say the least. Even with my soccer and rugby experience, playing with hardened farmers and Maori men put this unique "sport" in a league of its own. I was most surprised to see the older men participating- and going hard out, too. Joeseph and his brother who are all about 50, were out running barefoot in the field, getting right in the middle of huge dog piles on the ball, and tackling each other to the ground- laughing, limping, and smiling the whole time. Afterwards, we feasted on the "hangi" and stayed up socializing with the whole group.

The next day, I went with one of the cousins to a "Rainbow Gathering." A "Rainbow Gathering" is essentailly a bunch of hippies living int he bush for a few weeks- singing songs, dancing around campfires, and praising Mother Earth and rainbows. It very much reminded me of my Northern Light middle school and renewed my appreciation for all that Michelle and the school taught me.
"The days of childhood, they go by so fast
Our Time to dream just doesn't last
Don't wish the season of youth away
And dance in the light of the rainbow days"

A song I llearned at Rainbow goes like this:
"Deep down inside, I've got this everlasting light
It's shining like the sun, it radiates on everyone
And the more that I give, the more I've got to give
Yes, it's the way that I live, and it's what I'm living for!"

After a few days of camping out, the weather turned bad and a few of us decided to leave and wait out the storm somehwere else. I spent a quiet New Year's Eve with a Land cousin and returned to the farm a few days ago. Already, I have cut my finger with the axe, again!, and am practicing taking care of my body and staying physically healthy/functional.
Even spending a few days away from the Land's farm has made me appreciate this palce so much more. This sober, supportive community that encourages practicing spiritual development in daily life is rare to find in the world- I am so lucky/fortunate to be here!