Intellectually, I sometimes understand that everyhting is just passing. EVERYthing is arising and passing very slowly or with great rapidity and we are relatively insignificant outiside of our own necessary and real existence. Like one raindrop, it is insignificant in the midst of a storm, but each drop is still entirely neceessary for the storm to occur at all and the water cycle to continue. It is just the scale at which you look at things- or the "lense" you look through. There is a kind of cold, harsh, callous, but honest reality with this lense- yet still completely accurate. Although I may comprehend this at some level, I certainly don't feel "awake" to this knowledge in each moment. Like Thoreau says, "I have never yet met someone who is truly awake. How could I have looked him in the face?"
I can sense that a deeper understanding of reality is possible, yet I am so often attched or distracted by sensual pleasures or other... stuff... the shit that media and culture tells us to value... so much so that I don't actually experience the world through this lense of deeper understanding. Sometimes I can use the excuse that it is easier/simpler/more comfortable/familiar to maintain these old habits of distraction and playing games with my emotions/sensations. But they are only excuses, because ultimately, these are surface remedies and there remains a deeper desire for comprehension of the world/reality at the experiential level. To know each moment that everything is arising and passing away- and that everything is going to be ok- that I am just a single part of somethig larger- and simply by being whatever I am, I am doing my part- there is no need to fret or stress- everything is as it should be- and the idea that things "should" be any certain way is merely human perception. Can we stop giving so much value to humans? It's all about humans, humans, HUMANS! The true intelligence and evolution begins when one realizes that humans are a single part of a larger system. Our very existence impacts/is the larger system. But this something larger does not necessarily have to include us, either. Currently, it does, but at some point in the past it didn't include humans and at some point in the future it may not. Why is there fear surrounding our non-existence? What would life be like if I was not afraid to not exist? I can't know now, because I cling to my life and standards of success so dearly. One day, I will no longer exist. "Exist" in a way I can know/comprehend, at least. The energy from my body will not be lost, it will simply be part of something else. But "I", this body, this mind, will no longer be. Am I afraid of this? Why? Why be afraid of something I know will happen to me?
The truth that I speak of renounces most of the things I have built my social life around/upon/ It requires no turning back, no looking back. Once that corner of the vail (Thoreau) has been lifted and it has been seen/tasted in the slightest- there is no dropping the vail or forgetting what was seen. It demands I surrender my ignorance. But isn't ignorance bliss? LIES! It is simple and deceptive-what bliss is this? I hope to truly know reality as it is, whatever it may be.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
New Year
As we change into a new year, I have the opportunity to reflect and learn on the past year and also to look forward and find hope in the coming year. I find it strange that New Years Day is significant only because of the way we have decided to arrange our calendar, yet it inspires so much reflection/perspective for myself- and others based on all this talk of "new year's resolutions." Heck, any day can be the day we set a new goal for ourselves or change our lives- the passing of the imaginary digits we call "years" is just a convenient excuse...
I spent most of this last year working for the California Conservation Corp Backcountry Trails Program. Those 5 months were surely the most physically, emotionally, and spiritually demanding of my life- and I am grateful I had the opportunity to participate in and complete the season. I learned so much about what it means to be part of a community, to physically push myself to work harder everyday, and ultimately, about who I am and how I relate to the world around me. I continue to discover lessons I learned this summer that will be with me for the rest of my life.
I feel blessed that when I wasn't traveling, I could spend time with my grandparents. Their insight and perspective on life is invaluable and I cherish the jewels of wisdom they have shared with me. Whether it is playing games, working on a jigsaw puzzle, running errands, playing guitar, eating a meal, or just allowing myself to slow down and enjoy their presence, I am forever grateful for each moment we had together. I very much look forward to the next time I see them.
I also feel much appreciation for the love of my parents this last year. From the support they gave me when the CCC program was in limbo to the encouragement to travel and be true to myself- I cannot say thank you enough!
Just as important as recognizing, reflecting on, and learning from the past, is the hope for the opportunities that the future holds. As I begin the year living on the kindness and generosity of others, I surrneder myself to the realization that everything will work itself out- even if it is not exactly what I expected or planned. The wonder of traveling is that I am putting myself in situations that require me to be open and flexible becaus eI don't know exactly how things are going to end up. It is the in-your-face way or learning to live- because no one ever knows exactly how things are going to end up... So as I enter this new calendar year, and as I wake up each and every and any morning, may I be open to whatever the day may hold.
I want to try a different outlook on life- To expect nothing and take each moment as a blessing. Heaven is right here in front of us for us to enjoy- it is up to us to find the couarge to open ourselves to it and let its light shine through us to others. I beleive the wonder of life is our ability to make it what we want it to be. I recognize the privelidge I have to chose to travel or go to school or eat enough food, but the essential fact remains- we all have choice in how we respond in any situation. Our ability to respond may be limited to the midset with which we live in the world, but that is a powerful choice.
Making the decision to live with a new mindset is difficult. It forces us to evaluate our entire lives and confront the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves. I often wonder why I see people do things that make them miserable? Why do we continually run back to habits that don't help us? Why do we cling onto these habits that harm us? How do we let go of these attachments? What would it mean to let go? What are we afraid of? What am I afraid of?
I spent most of this last year working for the California Conservation Corp Backcountry Trails Program. Those 5 months were surely the most physically, emotionally, and spiritually demanding of my life- and I am grateful I had the opportunity to participate in and complete the season. I learned so much about what it means to be part of a community, to physically push myself to work harder everyday, and ultimately, about who I am and how I relate to the world around me. I continue to discover lessons I learned this summer that will be with me for the rest of my life.
I feel blessed that when I wasn't traveling, I could spend time with my grandparents. Their insight and perspective on life is invaluable and I cherish the jewels of wisdom they have shared with me. Whether it is playing games, working on a jigsaw puzzle, running errands, playing guitar, eating a meal, or just allowing myself to slow down and enjoy their presence, I am forever grateful for each moment we had together. I very much look forward to the next time I see them.
I also feel much appreciation for the love of my parents this last year. From the support they gave me when the CCC program was in limbo to the encouragement to travel and be true to myself- I cannot say thank you enough!
Just as important as recognizing, reflecting on, and learning from the past, is the hope for the opportunities that the future holds. As I begin the year living on the kindness and generosity of others, I surrneder myself to the realization that everything will work itself out- even if it is not exactly what I expected or planned. The wonder of traveling is that I am putting myself in situations that require me to be open and flexible becaus eI don't know exactly how things are going to end up. It is the in-your-face way or learning to live- because no one ever knows exactly how things are going to end up... So as I enter this new calendar year, and as I wake up each and every and any morning, may I be open to whatever the day may hold.
I want to try a different outlook on life- To expect nothing and take each moment as a blessing. Heaven is right here in front of us for us to enjoy- it is up to us to find the couarge to open ourselves to it and let its light shine through us to others. I beleive the wonder of life is our ability to make it what we want it to be. I recognize the privelidge I have to chose to travel or go to school or eat enough food, but the essential fact remains- we all have choice in how we respond in any situation. Our ability to respond may be limited to the midset with which we live in the world, but that is a powerful choice.
Making the decision to live with a new mindset is difficult. It forces us to evaluate our entire lives and confront the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves. I often wonder why I see people do things that make them miserable? Why do we continually run back to habits that don't help us? Why do we cling onto these habits that harm us? How do we let go of these attachments? What would it mean to let go? What are we afraid of? What am I afraid of?
Christmas with the Lands and a Rainbow Gathering
Christmas with the Lands was one of my most memorable holidays- at home or abroad. The sheer number of people that showed up and the traditional festivities were unbelievable. First of all, I thought my mom's family gatherings were big- usually several/dozen uncles and aunts and cousins and a few freinds. But the Land's holiday gatherings bring a whole new meaning to BIG. Most of Peter Land's (grandad) 9 children shwoed up. Most of the 9 children have several children of their own, as well. And even some of those children have kids, too. And that's just family! Then there are all the family friends ans random guets that have somehow heard about the event from somewhere over the years. And freinds bring their friends and cousins brings their freinds what seems like most of the local village stopped by for a little while. and there are miscellaneous people like me- a tourist who met the family while hitch-hike racing! And yet, no matter how/why you were at the celebration, everyone was warmly welcomed and wonderfully fed. We ate a traditional meal called "hangi" - which is meat/potatoes/ cumara/ taro root wrapped in banana leaves steamed in a pit in the ground for a few hours. The meal takes days of preparation to kill/clean the animals to be cooked.
While the meal is cooking, the most unusual and awesome (and my favorite!) tradition takes place. All the males play a giant game of rugby/soccer/football- where the only rule is there are no rules! To score, you must get the ball in the opponents goal- two sticks in the ground- by whatever means possible. Running, throwing, kicking, tackilng (whether or not you have the ball) is all permitted. It is thoroughly exhausting, to say the least. Even with my soccer and rugby experience, playing with hardened farmers and Maori men put this unique "sport" in a league of its own. I was most surprised to see the older men participating- and going hard out, too. Joeseph and his brother who are all about 50, were out running barefoot in the field, getting right in the middle of huge dog piles on the ball, and tackling each other to the ground- laughing, limping, and smiling the whole time. Afterwards, we feasted on the "hangi" and stayed up socializing with the whole group.
The next day, I went with one of the cousins to a "Rainbow Gathering." A "Rainbow Gathering" is essentailly a bunch of hippies living int he bush for a few weeks- singing songs, dancing around campfires, and praising Mother Earth and rainbows. It very much reminded me of my Northern Light middle school and renewed my appreciation for all that Michelle and the school taught me.
"The days of childhood, they go by so fast
Our Time to dream just doesn't last
Don't wish the season of youth away
And dance in the light of the rainbow days"
A song I llearned at Rainbow goes like this:
"Deep down inside, I've got this everlasting light
It's shining like the sun, it radiates on everyone
And the more that I give, the more I've got to give
Yes, it's the way that I live, and it's what I'm living for!"
After a few days of camping out, the weather turned bad and a few of us decided to leave and wait out the storm somehwere else. I spent a quiet New Year's Eve with a Land cousin and returned to the farm a few days ago. Already, I have cut my finger with the axe, again!, and am practicing taking care of my body and staying physically healthy/functional.
Even spending a few days away from the Land's farm has made me appreciate this palce so much more. This sober, supportive community that encourages practicing spiritual development in daily life is rare to find in the world- I am so lucky/fortunate to be here!
While the meal is cooking, the most unusual and awesome (and my favorite!) tradition takes place. All the males play a giant game of rugby/soccer/football- where the only rule is there are no rules! To score, you must get the ball in the opponents goal- two sticks in the ground- by whatever means possible. Running, throwing, kicking, tackilng (whether or not you have the ball) is all permitted. It is thoroughly exhausting, to say the least. Even with my soccer and rugby experience, playing with hardened farmers and Maori men put this unique "sport" in a league of its own. I was most surprised to see the older men participating- and going hard out, too. Joeseph and his brother who are all about 50, were out running barefoot in the field, getting right in the middle of huge dog piles on the ball, and tackling each other to the ground- laughing, limping, and smiling the whole time. Afterwards, we feasted on the "hangi" and stayed up socializing with the whole group.
The next day, I went with one of the cousins to a "Rainbow Gathering." A "Rainbow Gathering" is essentailly a bunch of hippies living int he bush for a few weeks- singing songs, dancing around campfires, and praising Mother Earth and rainbows. It very much reminded me of my Northern Light middle school and renewed my appreciation for all that Michelle and the school taught me.
"The days of childhood, they go by so fast
Our Time to dream just doesn't last
Don't wish the season of youth away
And dance in the light of the rainbow days"
A song I llearned at Rainbow goes like this:
"Deep down inside, I've got this everlasting light
It's shining like the sun, it radiates on everyone
And the more that I give, the more I've got to give
Yes, it's the way that I live, and it's what I'm living for!"
After a few days of camping out, the weather turned bad and a few of us decided to leave and wait out the storm somehwere else. I spent a quiet New Year's Eve with a Land cousin and returned to the farm a few days ago. Already, I have cut my finger with the axe, again!, and am practicing taking care of my body and staying physically healthy/functional.
Even spending a few days away from the Land's farm has made me appreciate this palce so much more. This sober, supportive community that encourages practicing spiritual development in daily life is rare to find in the world- I am so lucky/fortunate to be here!
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